Technology Is Killing Human Connection
Thank you Samsung for a $2000 folding multitask phone so we can now drive ourselves ever closer to the brink of dating dementia.
Thank you Samsung for a $2000 folding multitask phone so we can now drive ourselves ever closer to the brink of dating dementia.
As an online dating consultant, I get asked by reporters sometimes how new tech trends will impact online and offline dating. Surely, a new $2000 folding phone must have some impact on dating, right? Right???
Nope.
I honestly don’t see folding phones having a major impact on dating at all, other than as a status signaling mechanism, akin to how owners of iPhones used to be perceived as more hip and wealthy. The base model of the phone is nearly $2,000 after all, so upgraded versions will probably cost you more than owning a Macbook and an iPhone combined!
Of course, the profile browsing experience may change, as you can now engage more dating apps / profiles at the same time. But how can that possibly benefit a dating industry whose users are already suffering from burnout, overstimulation, and attentional fragmentation? Online daters are already lost and overwhelmed amidst dozens or even hundreds of open chat threads with their suitors spanning the 3–5+ dating apps they’re actively using.
What modern dating apps actually need is a higher return on their users’ attentional investment.
If I spend 5 minutes on your app versus on your competitor’s app, or hell, versus spending 5 minutes simply appreciating the world around me, or even literally doing nothing at all, what is to say that your app is rewarding my attentional investment in a more meaningful way? What do you offer of genuine value?
Tinder rewards us with the dopamine rush of finding out that someone swiped on us — they “like” us! But that quickly becomes hollow and superficial, especially when we begin to amass a graveyard of “matches” we may never even send a message to in the first place.
Livestreaming apps like Badoo and LiveMe try to give us a quick payout on our attentional investments, letting us see real people, and engage with them almost immediately, even though the point-to-multipoint approach of having one broadcaster and thousands of viewers means that our “engagement” will likely remain superficial at best, and our chances of going on an actual date are zilch — zero.
I find it to be a genuine sign of the times that someone at a social gathering n NYC recently remarked, “I’m so tired of dating the old school way on apps like Tinder and Bumble. I’m ready to start dating in person again.” Online dating has officially jumped the shark. It’s now “old school.” Dating apps have failed to deliver what we actually crave.
What humans crave is connection.
For millennia, connection meant things like face to face conversation, physical touch, quality time, acts of service, and more.
However, modern “connection” through digital fora divorces us from nearly all of those things, and we are left with essentially nothing more than the one-sided illusion of connectedness that occurs when someone (likely a bot) “likes” you back on an app.
Oh, and let’s not forget those godawful messaging back-and-forths that online daters have come to dread:
Fun fact: the debut of the iPhone and our transition from desktop-first to mobile-first triggered a 75% drop in online dating message length. So much for optimizing for connection. We’re literally suffering as a species from a hitherto nonexistent condition called “digital dementia” whereby we spend so much of our time and attention in digital fora that our brain loses the ability to form actual real life memories — you know, stuff like smells, movement through space, mirror neurons firing when we’re making eye contact with someone — the stuff that makes our biological bodies feel fulfilled and creates rich, sensory-laden memories.
Ultimately, it’s not the size of our phones, the number of screens, or the ability to multitask on our devices that leads us to genuine connection and fulfillment. Modern dating technologies need to take lessons from antiquity — they need to optimize for rewarding our attentional investments with the things that actually matter: real, in-person connections with people who add value to our lives. Apps that fail to do this in an effective, efficient, and respectful manner will fall by the wayside and quickly become forgotten as our species continues its unyielding pursuit of genuine connection.
About the Author…
I’m Steve Dean, an NYC-based online dating consultant.
I offer customized consultations to individuals who need help with dating & relationships, and I help dating sites with innovation, product strategy, marketing, and growth.
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